WHERE’S the good old family doctor, with
his microscopic bills,
With his bag of plasters, powders, and those
evil-tasting pills?
How our troubles used to lighten and our
aches and pains abate,
When his shabby horse and buggy tied up
at the old front gate!
________
Now it’s Doctor This for measles and it’s
Doctor That for mumps,
And it’s Doctor What-You-Call-Him when
it’s just a case of dumps;
If it’s only common colic, just as plain as
plain can be,
To a hospital you’re hustled for some
surgicality.
________
Comes the twentieth century doctor in a
spotless limousine,
Sealed hermetically in it — clothed “germproof”
to microbes keen.
Or, more truly, this great doctor will not
come at all to you —
In an office he’s receiving—”Office hours
from one to two.”
________
And it’s Doctor This for left eye and it’s
Doctor That for right,
And it’s Doctor What-You-Call-Him if
you’re crosswise in your sight;
When you need some fancy glasses just
to see more than you ought,
To Berlin you’re shipped instanter to that
famous Doctor Whaught.
________
He can amputate bad tempers, he can
make good folks of bad,
He’ll immune you from diseases that you
never could have had.
Yes, time’s come when it’s expected, just
to keep you ” middling fair,”
You must know the specialistic docs of
all the kinds there are.
________
Oh, it’s Doctor This for ” eetises” and
Doctor That for ” ites,”
And it’s Doctor What-You-Call-Him when
you’re seeing things o’nights.
Each will treat one ” error ” only,
will these modern unionists,
Then divide your woes with twenty other
waiting specialists.
— The Washington Post, February 17, 1910, p. 6.